Calm My Rage
by Kenneth Black
Summary: Xena's day hasn't exactly been the epitome of perfect, and her monologue worth a sack of dinars has Xena revealing to herself she would rather leave than submit Gabrielle to her forbidden feelings.


**Calm My Rage**

I can't find solace tonight.

Not now, not when the moon is only a scant sliver in the sky, silver in its glow but faint like a steady heartbeat. She calls to me, but it only reminds me that I can never have her, but have to be near her, constantly.

Why?

Why was I chosen for this torture, for this unconditional pain?

Heh. I can only laugh, the sound monotone, really, when she asks me what's wrong in the morning, the question a more concerned echo than the night before. She sees everything, can talk and speak about everything; but of course, she's a bard.

She's my bard.

And I can't bring myself to claim her as mine.

Damn.

This is pointless.

We all have days when everything is off, everything feels wrong but we have to keep on living. Keep on struggling to run after a tomorrow when right now you can't hardly crawl. It's pathetic, once you look at it. The struggles of humanity.

The struggles of individuals.

The struggle of my own.

"I'm going for a walk."

This is how I'm relieving my stress, my dangerous feelings of negativity. A walk. Well, at least I told her. Used to I couldn't even get out anything I was feeling, let alone drudge up an excuse to get away and bruise my knuckles against a couple of gods-be-damned boulders that cracked, split, or exploded too easily.

Green eyes nodded her worried consent, but the sleep patterns of her human ways dominated her eyelids. I can only smile, even as I walk away and melt into the shadows. Yes, she's adorable when she sleeps.

Like the dead, nothing and no one can waken her.

Nothing. . . .

No one. . .

Suddenly I can feel my irritation rise.

Nothing?

No one?

Surely that's not possible. I'm not sane right now. I'm not capable of making any right decisions. But as I turn back towards the more-black-than-alive colors of the fire's embers and watch her adorable features in sleep, I'm lost.

It's only a barely controlled stride to her side. It's more a drop-dead motion that brings me to my knees than any elegance. I really shouldn't do this. I really shouldn't stoop so low. Not when she's vulnerable, not when she doesn't know.

Not when I'm in my baddest need.

Mercy has never sounded so sinister than at that moment.

But even as I lower my head to take the first taste of her, like this, unlike any of the other kisses before that we've stolen, shared, and had, I know that my weakness for her is going to be my downfall.

Because these lips can never taste me, as I truly am.

I would distance myself, injure myself, do fatal things to the surroundings and conditions she's in, even kill myself to purge her of what I could bring to her. But that hasn't changed, my intentions towards her hasn't changed since the first time I'd thought she was adorable.

And I still can't believe I am so weak.

". . . Xena?"

Damn.

I can't pull away fast enough. Her green eyes search mine, hazed and fuzzy with sleep, but I can't dodge the arrows of love threatening to pierce me, joining their companions that are already embedded into my soul and making it more of a bother for me to stop the gentling of my lips against hers.

"I'm so sorry, Gabrielle."

". . . Xena."

Her voice is a warm whisper against me, so trusting.

Right.

As if a normal friend would kiss their companion in their sleep for no reason at all. As if a normal friend would jerk away and look like a guilty kid with cookie crumbs on the back of their hands and around their mouths.

As if a normal friend would have tears running down their cheeks as they looked at the one they were sworn not to love.

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle."

But then, you can't understand that, can you?

You can sense I have something wrong with me, have actually shared my troubles with you in my past, even though I would have died before admitting any of my weakness, but you listened.

You listened, and you cared, and damn it all to Hades, I fell in love with you for it.

For being there.

For telling me it was okay.

For telling me you accepted me.

I can't do this.

Not tonight.

Not ever.

But it seems I don't have to, because after you pull me down for another kiss, this time one to share and as gentle and reassuring as our first back when I died, you whisper,

"C'mon, Xena. It's cold out there."

And everything inside me calms.

My whole being just can't help itself.

Maybe the stars and planets and gods themselves realligned themselves in that moment, but as I get under the blanket and guiltily enjoy the feeling of snuggling up to you, I swear, in that very moment and time, everything is fine.

"I love you, Gabrielle."

"Mmm-hmmm, Xena. I love you, too. Now sweet dreams, Princess."

Eyes closed, I can finally smile as sleep can take me to dreams that are undoubtedly better than the whole bad day I was having today. But of course that couldn't have happened without you there.

The reason I love you, you and you alone, is because you to me are everything.

It's because you're right by my side.

Good night, Gabrielle. I'll cherish the sweet dreams we have together.

A/N: . . . I was having a rough time when I wrote this. Agitation, anger, hurt and just plain irritated annoyance had built up at my inability to write for some time. This may have not made sense, but it at least released my stress fatigue. *weary grin* And now, time for bed. Heh. At least I passed it on to a now-calm Xena. XD Hope ya don't get this feeling, ever, even though we all will sometime someday, but take care guys! Ja! X3

((PS: The next Xena+Gabrielle story I'm gonna do is SO gonna make up for this 15-minute typing let-it-out rage, PROMISE! And this is one promise I wanna keep!)) Ooops. ^^; Characters ain't mine, only the angsty-start. ^^


End file.
